Dream, Please come back

You know that dream, the one where you keep forgetting to go to class and then you show up at the final exam, completely unprepared?  I never had that dream while in college or in graduate school but then used to have it all the time once I was working and dealing with real-life stresses.  I never realized that other people have that exact same dream.  Recently, while riding in an elevator with my son, I was telling him about that particular dream.  A woman overheard me and said, “oh, I hate that dream.”

I will admit, my life is relatively stress-free right now.  I am a stay-at-home parent with three kids.  Sure, there are the usual challenges of raising a family — shuttling them to their activities, making sure homework is done, and keeping them healthy and happy.  It can be chaotic and hair-raising at times, but still manageable.

Lately though, something else has been gnawing away at the relative calm in my days.  See, I am writing a book.  Actually, I have finished the book.  Hooray, you think.  But, now I am trying to secure an agent so I can actually get it published.  And, then there’s the worry that I think the book needs to be better — a lot better.  It’s time for serious edit-mode but I am just unsure how to move it forward.  I registered for an online writing class, with deadlines and homework, so I am hoping it pushes me to keep going and revise, revise, revise.  But, how will I know when I’ve done all I can do?  How will I know when the book is at that point when someone else just might think it’s fabulous too?

I am exhilarated about this book but I am also anxious about the uncertainty — the quality of the writing coupled with the unknown of ever securing of an agent makes me a tad bonkers.  It’s tough out there in publishing and it may not happen for me, at least not now. I can accept that.  But, I will need to know that I pushed hard enough, that I did everything that I could possibly do before moving on.

I am almost waiting for that dream to appear.  Because if it does show up, it will be a signal:  I am stressed out.  And then I will know that my subconscious is channeling that stress to let me know that yes, I am working hard enough and care about this project a lot.  So, even though I hate that dream too, I hope it comes back soon.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Dream, Please come back

  1. KCF

    Emily, this would be great to bring up next tuesday or beforehand on the boards, but my strong instinct is to give yourself space and time to edit and then worry about the agent. I’d really like to hear what Kelly has to say about that, too!

    It was math class for me–in my version of the dream!

    • Emily Cappo

      Kim, I so agree…I approached agents waaayy too soon. Now that I’m editing and I hope making it much better, I regret ever sending it out. And of course now I’m paranoid that I’ve ruined my chances with finding someone to represent the book!

  2. Eda

    Em–I am checking up on you since you wrote this post. Dream? I do believe that dreams manifest our desires and fears, and so I am wishing you a stressful nights rest and a productive day! I look forward to reading your book!

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